How Hyrule Was Won
by lemnlime7
Summary: What if the LoZ series had Western themes, was completely self-aware, and made fun of itself mercilessly? This might be the crazy concoction you'd get...
1. The new guy in town

A/N: This story uses the unreliable narrator trope, meaning that Link and Zelda are retelling the events of this story after the fact. You should expect their memory at times to be a little...shall we say, shoddy...and that they will embellish or alter some details for comedic effect. This basically follows the plot of OoT although without the time travel or other things that wouldn't have made the transition to a Western backdrop well.

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Chapter 1 – The new guy in town

"It was high noon in Hyrule territory when I rode into the sleepy frontier community known as Cattle Town," recounted our perennial protagonist, Link. "True to it's name, there was a lot of cattle around—I wouldn't doubt the cattle outnumbered the people around these parts."

"You would be right about that," quipped Zelda, everyone's fave damsel (currently not) in distress.

"I was parched from the long journey through the outlying plains and needed to find a watering hole pronto," Link continued. "So I nudged my trusty steed on over to the first reputable-looking business I spotted—I believe it was called the Milk Bar. Now, I thought this was just some cutsy-pie name bestowed upon it by an owner looking to be overly creative with the establishment's moniker, but no, they really did serve nothing but milk there. I guess it has something to do with the game's rating and Nintendo being a family-friendly company or something. Of all the strange coincidences, a rabbi and a priest walked in at the same time as me. Strange as it was, I wasn't about to make a joke of it. Anyway, the first thing I noticed upon entering the bar was the red-headed beauty behind the counter who was—"

"Link!" Zelda cried out, crossing her arms out of indignation. She glared at him so intently it seemed she would burn a hole through him.

"Oops...uh...yeah..." Link stuttered while scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "But this was _before_ I met you, Zelda! Her beauty doesn't even compare to yours, of course," he said smoothly. This only appeared to settle her down a little so he figured he better hurry up and get on with the story. "So yeah, I walked over to this not-at-all very attractive barkeep wearing a not-in-the-least really cute dress and asked her for a tall glass of Lon Lon's finest, on the rocks. She gladly obliged me, shooting me a smile. However, I had to assume it was her first day on the job, as she _literally_ served my drink on some rocks—what did I look like to her, a _Goron_?!" Link indicated his outrage with some overly emphatic hand gestures. "Then she leaned her elbow on the bar and proceeded to introduce herself in a not-in-the-slightest super-adorable country drawl as my new girlfriend."

"There you go _again_!" Zelda shouted.

"I mean Malon. She said her name was Malon. What? That's what I said, wasn't it?" The grimace of anger on Zelda's face was the only clue he really needed to answer his inquiry. "So anyway, she asked me, 'What's a tall, dark and handsome fella like you doin' in a joint like this?'"

Zelda became even more ticked off after hearing this, clenching her fist and muttering, "Why, that little..." It was probably a good thing Link couldn't hear the rest of what she said.

"Don't fret, Zelda. The author of this fanfic only pairs us two together. Probably because of that whole 'destined to meet in all of our lifetimes' thing, y'know? That comes off as pretty romantic to a lot of people. Makes any other pairing just kinda pale in comparison, hehe. So you have nothing at all to worry about," he assured her, slapping her back amiably.

Zelda's cheeks immediately went red. "Whuh—what are you talking about? Puh—pairing? I...I'm not...I wasn't...!"

"Yeah...sure..." Link monotoned sarcastically. "So I told Malon, 'I just came to town as the new sheriff and yes I realize that this is the way that almost every Western on the Goddess' green earth starts but hell, it's a good way to start and I'm sticking with it.' Malon laughed a bit at this, eyed me carefully and said, 'From the look of ya, I'd say Hyrule might've finally got itself a sheriff with the cojones needed to take care of business.' I wasn't real sure what she was referring to, but I decided not to question her on it—being a foreigner at the time, I figured it was something only a local would understand, and I didn't want to out myself as a stranger any more than it must have already been apparent. After all, I did show up in town sporting what is essentially a green dress and night cap, earning me quite a number of sideways glances from the local townsfolk."

"And where you come from, a green dress and night cap is considered _normal_ fashion for a guy?"

"It's a _tunic_ actually, and I'll have you know that it allows for very unrestricted movement. You think I could do all those fancy backflips in baggy pants? There's a reason gymnasts wear those leotards, you know."

"Hmm...good point," Zelda conceded.

"So the next time someone is thinking about making _another_ lame joke about my _tunic_ , which is totally _not_ a skirt or dress, he should first consider how I will be slicing and dicing him quicker and easier than a late-night infomercial appliance while he's still floundering in his stiff, chafing or otherwise movement-impairing clothing. As for the hat, I just wear it because I love how it laughs in the face of physics by managing to stay on my head at that angle no matter how much wind I'm in."

"I always just thought you glued the hat on your head. Either that, or you wear a wig and the hat simply comes attached to it."

Link was outraged by the accusation. "Girl, I'll have you know that this immaculate hair is 100% _all me._ You must be jealous with a capital J!" He did his best impression of a spoiled diva, wagging his index finger in a sassy way and feigning an over-the shoulder hair toss. "Anyway, to get back on topic, I asked Malon, 'You know where I might find a gal that goes by the name of Zelda 'round these parts?' And she says to me, 'Sure do—Zelda's the name of the governor's daughter. But I don't see why a lady of such wealth and stature would take an interest in some commoner like you, no matter how handsome you may be.' I cleverly responded by asking Malon if she had any idea how many shippers have already written about me and Zelda getting it on in our past lives but it seemed she didn't quite catch my drift."

"Wait—what was that?" Zelda had been checking out her nails absentmindedly but now her eyebrow was raised curiousity.

"Oh, nothing...nothing at all," he said casually, looking around smugly. "So I told her that I had recently received a telegram saying something like, 'Help me, Link Kenobi, you're my only hope.'

"That's not what it said!" Zelda protested vehemently.

"Oh, yeah...um, OK...it actually said 'Dear Link, please come to the castle, I've baked a cake for you.'

"That's not what it said either! Quit messing around!" She hit the back of his head comically with one of those Asian folding fans.

"OK, OK, so I don't remember _exactly_ what it said per se, but I do remember that there was something about you having some important information to share with me and that you needed to see me in person 'ASAP.' I wasn't sure what that meant in the local parlance _buuuuut_ it sounded pretty urgent. An ironically-timed rimshot came suddenly from a band that was setting up their instruments on the bar's stage. According to the name on the drum kit, they were known as the Indigo-gos. I know what you're thinking, but they did _not_ name themselves after that website that's like the crappy version of Kickstarter. At that point, I bid Malon adieu as I finished up my glass of milk and headed out of the bar and back to my horse. I unhitched Navi from the post outside and started to..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses!" Zelda implored, pun fully intended. "Your horse's name is _Epona_ , remember?"

"Epona? Never heard that name in my life," Link replied. "No, she was definitely called Navi. I know that since the author of this fanfic thought it would be funny to name the horse Navi since that would ensure that she wouldn't be able to annoy me with all her incessant yapping about, 'Hey, look, listen!' I mean, the most annoying thing a horse could do would be to say, "Neigh" any time I asked a yes or no question since...well...you know. Anyway, the telegram told me to go to the fort not far from town, strangely known as 'The Castle' by all the locals, so I pointed my steed in that direction and was there in a jiffy."

"Yeah, right!" Zelda interjected. "I told you to meet me at 2 pm but you didn't come until 8! What was so important that it took you so long to come see me? You weren't screwing around at the shooting range, _were_ you?"

"Me? Shooting range? Uh...why, no...never!" Link said, sweatdropping bullets.

"But that ammo belt you're wearing clearly says 'Hyrule Shooting Range,'" she said, pointing at his belt.

"Oh...this old thing? Ha, ha, I never...uh...never noticed that." He glanced around nervously, clearing his throat several times. He decided he needed to change the topic immediately. "So, uh...ahem...when I got to The Castle, I didn't exactly get a warm welcome. I had no idea there would be so many guards and, despite being the new sheriff, no one would let me pass, even when I showed them your telegram. I think they must have watched the Lord of the Rings too many times because they looked like they were having fun as they dramatically recited the words, 'You shall not pass!' I really didn't want to do what I ended up doing since I'm the new sheriff and all, but I decided I would have to sneak past the guards after entering through a hole in the wall near a narcoleptic guy who was a dead ringer for Mario."

"How is Mario these days, anyway?"

"I won't lie, Zelda. It's been tough for him ever since Donkey Kong took the kids and left. He's just taking each day as it comes."

A single tear fell down Zelda's face. "What a trooper," she said with admiration. "Here's to hoping that he will one day find his happiness instead of being told it's in another castle." Returning to plot-exposition mode, Zelda said, "I pray the guards did not give you much trouble?"

Link found this so side-splittingly hilarious that he laughed until he was snorting. "Hahaha! Of course not! What did you think this was, a _Metal Gear_ game? Your guards are _soooo_ dumb, always staying on predetermined paths like they're in some easy-peasy, all-ages video game or something."

"That's my stupid dad for ya. He keeps me super-sheltered...doesn't want me to have hardly any contact with the outside world. As the governor, he's dealt with more than his share of hoodlums and riff-raff and he assumes that those are the only types of people I would ever meet if I was allowed to get outside The Castle's walls. You have _no_ idea how many hoops I had to jump through before I could get that telegram sent out to you."

"Wow, that really sucks," Link eloquently commented. "Kinda glad I'm an orphan after hearing that. You know, people think it must be really sad being an orphan, but after hearing about some people's dysfunctional families, it's not all that bad in comparison. Call it the Lion King effect, if you will. By the way, did you know Simba and Nala were most definitely half-siblings?"

"Seriously? Eww...How do you know that?"

"Because—here's a nature lesson for ya—when a male lion takes over a pride of lionesses from another male lion, it always kills all the existing cubs before mating with the females. Thus, all the cubs in a pride at any given time are guaranteed to be related."

"Ugh. Disney movies were a lot better before people starting analyzing them to death and revealing all the gross and depressing stuff about them."

Link chuckled. "You can say that again! Anyway, after sailing past the guards, I sauntered into your little meadow thing in the middle of The Castle although I have no idea why I'm telling you this since you were, y'know, _there_ and everything, but anyway, _that's_ when I saw it—the most beautiful creature ever to grace the face of this earth."

"Ah, Link, that's so sweet of you," Zelda swooned, genuinely touched.

"Oh, um, yeah...that...that's totally what I meant." He had actually been thinking of this really colorful butterfly he had seen landing on a flower near the entrance but his lips were sealed. Zelda gave him a weird look but luckily didn't seem to catch on. "So anyway," Link continued, "I'll never forget what you said to me when I saw you that day...but that revelation will have to wait till the next chapter—tee-hee!"

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A/N: What was this unforgettable thing Zelda said? Can a bar _really_ be financially viable if it only serves milk? Will someone please explain why I'm even _writing_ this thing?! Find out in the next exhilarting episode of H2W2...maybe...


	2. Man on a mission

"We now return from that _sort-of_ cliffhanger," stated Link. Turning to Zelda, he continued. "So the cool thing you said to me that I'll never forget was that you...um...let's see...it was..." Zelda started tapping her foot and was about to speak up when, instead, Link interjected. "Wait!...No!" He waved a hand in front of him emphatically and plugged an ear. "Don't tell me, don't tell me! I'll think of it in a second. It's on the tip of my tongue. Let's see...it was...'Wow, you're a dreamboat'...no, it was...'I've been waiting for you all my life'...no, not that either..."

"Allow me to refresh your memory, will ya?" Zelda scolded impatiently. "It was, 'Finally! You showed up! I was starting to think you were dead!'"

"Well that's not very romantic, Zelda. We've got to keep our fans happy...there's a lot of Zelinkers out there. At the very least, be ambiguous about whether you like me or not—you know, long stares into my eyes, playing footsie under the table, letting me "accidentally" touch your boobs, the whole nine yards. After all, we make the most popular pairing by far. Malon, male Sheik and that mini-boss from the Water Temple who is nonsensically popular in comparison to the super-small role he had in OoT are only distant runners-up. And Dark Link doesn't even really count because that's kinda like selfcest. Ugh!" He shuddered as he thought about it.

"There are certainly far weirder pairings that have become even more inexplicably popular," Zelda offered. "I'm sure every person reading this can think of at least a few pairings that made them go, 'WTF?' For me personally, it was Elsa x Anna from Frozen. I feel a connection with Elsa, being a fellow sorceress, but I was disgusted to find out that there's quite a lot of sick, twisted people out there who like to imagine her getting to know her sister just a little _too_ well. Incest is not hot, people! Eww! Cut it out, already!"

"Hey, Zelda, have you ever noticed how I'm like the only hot guy in the entire LoZ series?" Link pondered. "Every pairing almost _has_ to involve me because of that. Hehe...I see more action than a guy watching a superhero movie trailer! Seriously, just look at almost any male NPC in the _Zelda_ series and play the fun game of 'spot all the deformities.' Ugly mugs like that don't sell action figures, you know!"

"Not all the guys are ugly," Zelda countered.

"Oh, yeah? Name one that's not."

"Um...like...uh...that guy with glasses from Twilight Princess. The one who liked books."

"No one even knows who the hell you're talking about."

Zelda scowled at him for a comically long time. "Aren't you supposed to be mute or something?" she snapped. She decided to resume the plot before he meandered off-topic any further. "So the next thing I said to you was, 'Yadda, yadda, yadda, exposition, exposition, exposi...'"

"Now, _wait_ a gosh-darn minute there," Link protested. "You can't just 'yadda, yadda' over all the plot exposition. There might be some readers out there who _aren't_ aware of who this Ganondorf fella is or the fact that he's hell bent on taking over Hyrule and all that jazz."

"Pfft, yeah right. Considering how often that plot or a very similar one is used, I seriously doubt it."

"True...but humor us anyway."

"All right, all right," Zelda gave in. "So I said to you, 'I've been having visions that the governor of a neighboring territory named Ganondorf is trying to win the favor of my father so he can eventually betray him and assume control of Hyrule and oh, BT-dubs, you are the one destined to defeat him.'"

"And I remember being amazed by that and saying, 'Wow, you have visions as specific as that? Usually, I can only barely remember my dreams for more than a day and they usually just involve me falling from cliffs and stuff—nothing so special as _predicting the downfall of entire nations_. You must be special or something—and I don't mean in the handicapped sort of way.' And you responded with, 'Well...um...actually, what I told you is my _interpretation_ of my vision.' So I said, 'Oh, really? Then what did you actually, y'know, _see_ in this vision, if I may ask?' And you said..."

"Dark storm clouds, a ray of light parting the clouds, a figure wearing green clothes..." Zelda finished.

"And I remember staring at you, mouth agape, with a cute little sweatdrop forming on my face and saying, 'You're kidding me, right? You're seriously predicting that _this entire territory_ is gonna be _taken over_ by some _random_ _guy_ just from seeing _that_ in a little dream you had?'"

"Enough with all the italics, Link!"

"And I also asked you, in no uncertain terms, if you were skipping your meds."

"...which I found to be quite the _presumptuous_ and _rude_ inquiry," Zelda responded, furious at finding herself overusing italics for emphasis as well. "Nevertheless, I denied your accusation emphatically and told you that I've had a prophetic ability all my life and that I've always been able to interpret my dreams accurately. But up until that time, I had never had a premonition of any significance. The visions were usually just for mundane things like what I was gonna eat the next day or whether it was gonna rain or the winning lottery numbers for the billion rupee jackpot."

"Yeah, all that stuff does sound pretty unimpor..." Link trailed off before he did a cartoon-y double-take and shouted, " _Woah_! Wait! Timeout! What was that last one again?!"

"Like I said, just unimportant stuff, nothing worth noting at all. Of course, being as trapped as I was in The Castle due to my overprotective dad, I had no choice but to request assistance from a virile and studly young man because, dammit, I have cliches to fulfill! No ugly guys are allowed to serve me, no siree!"

"So that's why you picked me, a noob with no previous bad-guy-eliminating experience, instead of one of countless out-of-work mercs that could undoubtedly have done a way better job than me?"

"Yep, but...huh? Hey, wait a minute! I thought you were a sheriff...?"

"I was, _after_ you hired me for the job...but I didn't have any previous sheriff-ing experience. The only experience I had before coming to Hyrule that might be considered relevant was playing some Dungeons and Dragons and oldschool FF games."

"The ones from FF6 on down?"

"Heck no! FF5 and down. Don't you remember FF6's Vanish/X-Zone trick? The one that could kill practically any enemy in the game with zero effort?"

"Yeah, but who would actually use that? It's the same as cheating."

"No it isn't! If the game allows you to do it, it's _not_ cheating! And once you find out about it, why _wouldn't_ you use it? It just makes the game too damn easy. Anyway, my point is...hey, didn't you even _read_ my resume?"

"Well..." Zelda stammered. "Your resume was written in Hylian and you can't expect me to learn how to read a language that's only spoken by characters in some fictional video game! That would make me, like, a huge nerd!"

"But Hylian is what we're all supposed to be speaking!" Link protested. "Miyamoto-sama doesn't want us to speak any real world language since our games are supposed to be high fantasy...IE, not set in 'the real world'...whatever _that_ is...even though Tetra totally _did_ speak Japanese in the Japan-only mini-game called Navi Trackers, no relation to everyone's _fave_ forest sprite. Ain't that right, Tetra?"

The camera cuts quickly to Tetra eating some ramen with chopsticks at one of those low-to-the-floor tables. "Wakaranai!" she yells, furious at being interrupted. The author doesn't know exactly what that means, if anything, but it sounded Japanese enough.

"Can we please just get back on topic, already?" Zelda said, tapping a foot impatiently.

"All right, all right!" Link conceded. "So next, I asked you, 'What's this Ganondorf fellow look like? Give me the 4-1-1...or whatever the equivalent informational hotline is in Hyrule...'"

"I said, 'Well, he has dark skin, the color of pure evil, and..."

"...that's when I interrupted you, saying 'Hey now! Racist much?!'"

"And I calmly explained to you that in countless video games, dark-colored things are almost always evil. Don't blame _me_ for starting that stereotype!"

"Then I said, 'Whatever. Just finish giving me the deets,' to which you replied, 'How about you just look over there? He's standing right behind you.'" I turned around to notice a tall, dark, exotically handsome man planted right where you were pointing. 'Oh, uh...hi!' I remember saying awkwardly, but inwardly I kinda wanted to _KILL_ _you_ for not telling me he was there until he was breathing right down my neck. Especially since the only one I ever want to imagine breathing that close to me is you, when we're alone in the..."

"Link!" Zelda yelled.

"Oh, right...I, uh, must've been thinking out loud again. Ed Sheeran, eat your heart out. So anyway, I asked Ganondorf, 'How much of that did you hear?' and he responded with, 'Only...about...all of it.' I felt like facepalming at that moment before crawling into the fetal position and whimpering uncontrollably, but Mr. Creepazoid assured me that he was going to leave me alone for the time being so that we could duke it out all cool-like at the end of this story. He was so secure in his badass-ery that he vowed that even if I got a bunch of kickass new powers, he would still be able to beat me solely with his little pinky finger. After that, we just sort of stood around in an awkward silence since neither of us knew what kind of small talk to make with our sworn enemy. Luckily, he eventually made the first move, turning around swiftly and sweeping his cape with him like a (literal) boss, at which time he made like a tree and leaf-ed."

"That was a tree-mendously bad pun," Zelda retorted. "It's not oak-kay to be so stupid. You should've cedar-ed when you were ahead."

"All right, all right, my bad! I'm sorry about the dumb pun. Now shut up, already!"

"...You started it," she muttered, cheeks puffed out.

Forging ahead, Link said, "I'm sure you remember, after Big G made his over-dramatic exit, that you finally explained how a weakling like me could possibly hope to stand a chance against a legendary badass like him."

"Yes, I explained that you needed to visit a number of temples scattered around Hyrule, defeat the big scary monsters within and solve the myriad puzzles that were inexplicably placed inside since whoever built them apparently had way too much free time on their hands—all so that the sages of the temples could be liberated and totally _not_ because I wanted to get you out of my hair for a while. I also remember describing the temples to you for your convenience: the forest temple in, of all places, a forest, which contains disembodied hands that fall from the ceiling; the fire temple atop the _very_ active volcano called Death Mountain; the water temple in a deep underwater tomb-like structure in Lake Hylia; the shadow temple in Kakariko township's creepy boot hill cemetery which contains invisible traps everywhere you look...err...well, you know what I mean; and the spirit temple in the vast, foreboding desert wasteland to the west."

"And _I_ remember thinking at this point in the story that you clearly _wanted_ me to die."

"Weeeeeell...maybe at the time..."

"Zelda Fitzgerald!" he said angrily. [A/N: Kudos if you get this reference]

"Don't call me that, _Rinku_!"

"Ahhh! You know how much I hate that!" he replied, grabbing his head in frustration and shaking it around as if he were Cloud having another one of his identity crises.

Zelda LOL'ed. "So the next thing I did was give you my family's precious heirloom, which I told you would allow you to do cool magic stuff like solve puzzles and warp around all willy-nilly and...uh...fix broken signs. I know, I know, that last one sounds lame, but hey, it's super-useful if you ever decide to become a carpenter! What's the object's name, you ask? Why, it's the— _dun dun dun duuuun!_ —player piano of time!"

"...And _this_ is the part where I asked you if you could give me something that was a little more...you know... _portable_! I know that most RPG characters have bottomless pits for pockets, but carrying around a full-sized player piano would still be stretching believability a _little_ too much. Makes it kinda hard for the player behind the screen to continue suspending their disbelief, assuming that they were ever able to suspend their disbelief in the first place after finding out that the game is essentially about a magical land of elf, rock, and fish-people which is being terrorized by a humanoid pig."

"That's also when I decided to give you my family's _other_ precious keepsake, the harmonica of time. Naturally, you immediately turned around and held it above your head for a long while, as if some omnipotent being who controls us all needed to see it or something..." They both stared intently at the fourth wall for a prolonged time. "...Nah!" they finally said in unison.

.

Why does everyone hate tree puns so _mulch_? Isn't Ed Sheeran that ginger singer? Will I ever find out that I'm just totally wasting my free time writing this fanfic?! Find out in the next exciting episode of H2W2! ...possibly.


	3. Unhand me, you hand!

Chapter 3 - Unhand me, you...hand!

.

"So after departing *koff*gettingkickedoutof*koff* The Castle, I made my way to Kokiri Forest to look for the first temple," Link recounted. "The first thing I saw was a little pipsqueak who told me I couldn't enter. He said that unless I had a fairy, I wasn't welcome in the forest, to which I replied that he should really clean his mouth out with soap for using a slur like that. I held one finger up against his forehead to keep him at bay while he wildly and comically flailed his arms in frustration. I entered the hollowed-out tree trunk to the forest proper and remember thinking that I must have entered Neverland and found the Lost Boys (and Girls)...although I also remember sincerely hoping that I wouldn't run into the ghost of Michael Jackson who would no doubt have a field day here. The whole forest was populated solely by kids who claimed to have no parents except for a tree who gave them life and told them they would die if they ever left the forest."

"Sounds like you unwittingly walked into the most devoted tree-hugging cult of all time," remarked Zelda.

"You're the one who sent me there so _you_ should've known that already, _Zeruda_!"

"Ugh, let's not start with the Asian pronunciation name-calling again... _Rinku_! Wait, how old are we supposed to be in this story again? 'Cuz it seems like we're all of about five years old right now."

"LOL, yeah," Link said. "Don't you think it's funny how in so many of our games we're a measly ten years old or so from start to finish? I mean, ten-year-olds are known for many things, but great strength, remarkable intelligence and uncanny ability to focus on one task for long periods of time certainly ain't any of 'em. I guess if you wanted to defeat Ganondorf by annoying him to death with constant repetitions of 'are we there yet?' or 'I'm bored,' then ten-year-olds would totally be your go-to heroes. But...wait a minute—I thought all ten-year-olds were already busy catching Pokemon in Johto or Kanto or wherever..."

"Hmm...I think we're supposed to be seventeen in this story...minus all the typical acne and moodiness, of course," Zelda added.

"Yeah, who would want to play a game with a character who's a typical teenager? The dialog would include such gems as, 'Nobody understands me! Why do I feel so moody all the time?' And, of course, the classic: 'Why is hair growing _there_ of all places?'"

Zelda suddenly seemed very flustered. "Have you been reading my diary again?!" she demanded.

Link inevitably facepalmed, muttering to himself the whole while. "Anyway...I asked for directions to the temple and they pointed me toward the mysteriously-named Lost Woods only after giggling profusely. I should have taken that as a bad sign but instead, showing no fear, I marched right on in, totally unaware of what awaited me. After wandering around aimlessly for a few hours only to end up back at the entrance _every. single. time_ , I decided to just try cheating the game by attempting to clip through a wall. For the uninitiated, that's a glitch that speedrunners frequently take advantage of to skip whole parts of a game. Yes, even in a game as beloved by everyone and their grandma as almost any _Zelda_ game, there are guaranteed to be at least a few bugs. However, I only succeeded in making myself look like an idiot by jumping into walls over and over again, giving myself cerebral hemorrhaging in the process."

"You succeed in looking like an idiot far more often than you think," Zelda quipped, doing a bad job of hiding her giggling.

"You know, Zelda, I'm friends with some of the lead programmers of our games. So don't be surprised if some 'modifications' are added to the next game that cause you to have buck teeth or a severe case of flatulence or something," Link threatened. "Just sayin'." Zelda only scowled in response.

Continuing on, Link stated, "Just when I was about to throw my controller at the floor in anger and go play another game, I ran into this creepy man-child who was attached to a balloon floating in the air. I grabbed a nearby rock and tossed it at his balloon to bring him down faster than the first flight of a prototype airplane. He promptly introduced himself flamboyantly with the fruity-sounding name of 'Tingle.' He kept shouting 'Koo-loo-limpah' or some other nonsense and was wearing the most ridiculous getup I've ever seen, even by RPG standards, consisting of a green skin-tight hooded onesie with red underwear on top which unfortunately left very little to the imagination. I think he was the result of Nintendo's attempt to make a character even more annoying than Navi, a task which scientists had previously thought impossible."

"Did you ask him what drugs the character designer at Nintendo was on when he came up with that abomination so I can make sure to steer clear of them?" Zelda inquired earnestly.

"Yeah, totally, but he simply laughed me off. This guy had a fascination with all manner of magical things and, in addition, he seemed enamored with my manly physique so I really got worried that he was going to come onto me. He suddenly reached for my hands which I very nearly responded to by liberating him of said hands. But to my surprise, he started spinning around with me. At first, it wasn't a big deal and I thought I could humor the guy for a while and play along with this obviously mentally-handicapped chibi dude. 'Cuz that way, I felt like I could fulfill my charitable-work quota for the year. However, he kept going faster and faster and somehow I couldn't wrestle my hands out of that midget's death-grip. Eventually, I just passed out."

"Were you OK? Did he do anything...obscene to you?"

"Hell no! That would be absolutely disgusting! What kind of fanfic do you take this for?! Definitely not a Link x Tingle slash if that's what you're thinking! No, this actually turned out to be a clever plot device, because whaddya know, when I came to, I was smack dab in front of the forest temple. How convenient, eh?"

"But how the heck did you get ther...?"

"Doesn't matter!" Link quickly interrupted. "Geez, Zelda, you ask too many questions. Who cares as long as it advances the plot and avoids unnecessarily long, drawn-out monotony that ruins the pacing of my grand adventure! I mean, did you really _want_ me to wander around a labyrinthine forest until I inevitably fell to the ground, dieing from dehydration and/or starvation and—wait, actually, don't answer that," he added swiftly, cutting Zelda off before she could chime in with a witty comeback. "You think I ever could've figured out the trick to get out of the Lost Woods on my own? I didn't have enough money to spring for the strategy guide so the answer to that is a decisive 'no.' You got all the brains, remember? I'm just the scrappy but lovable courageous one."

"You're being too hard on yourself," Zelda soothed. "You do pretty good at those Professor Layton games. Those give even me problems at times."

"Wow, thanks. Mighty nice of you to say that. Anyway, to get back on track, I ventured into the forest temple and immediately noticed some pretty cool BGM! I love that rattling sound and the chanting or whatever that weird sound effect before the music starts looping is supposed to be. Seriously, Zelda, have you heard it?"

"Yes, yes, I've heard it," Zelda said in exasperation, speaking as she would to a young child getting on her last nerve.

"Great! So not long after entering, I ran into this huge spider that took up the whole hallway. I was like, 'S'cuse me, dude, but I'm _tryin_ ' to get through here. I got a kingdom...I mean, a territory to save and all' but he wasn't having none of that! He spun around real fast and knocked me flat on my ass! I was really mad at that point but my attempts to retaliate at the little pest...or big pest, rather...were futile since his body was harder than the way mine gets when I think of my beautiful Zelda in her birthday suit."

"Link!" Zelda exclaimed, blushing up a storm.

"LOL, Zelda, you know I love you, girl!"

"Yeah, but...please, not in front of the readers," she whispered shyly.

"We've already done some _preeeeetty_ kinky stuff in front of an audience of readers before in other fanfics. Kinda late to be getting shy about it now," he said suggestively, winking at her. "Awkward transition... _aaaaaand_ now we're back to the story. So I tried squashing the spider with a rolled-up newspaper and a shoe but that didn't work. I also tried playing the Song of Storms but that didn't do anything."

"Why the heck did you do that?"

"Well, you know how the song goes. 'The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and...'"

"But that wasn't exactly an 'itsy-bitsy' spider now was it?" she huffed.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right, but it didn't hurt to _try_ , now did it? Anyway, just when I was at my wit's end, the stupid spider turned around, exposing it's most vulnerable spot! And would you believe that all the spiders in this temple did the same stupid thing? It's like, _helloooo_! You guys are completely invincible at _any_ time that you're not turned around! I only _wish_ I could have a fool-proof defense that consisted of doing nothing more than simply _not moving_. Geez, it's almost like these spiders were all _programmed_ to idiotically reveal their weaknesses or something."

"Something tells me that if the only possible ending to the game was you getting stuck in a random hallway of the first dungeon because of a skulltula that didn't turn around to reveal his weakness, the game wouldn't have sold the millions of copies that it did."

"Whoa, seriously? My games are selling _millions_ of copies? Where are my royalty checks, Nintendo?! My contract clearly states that I get 10% of the gross profits of all my games! Why, those cheap bastards! I at least deserve some hazard pay for all the danger I put myself through so they can rake in the dough!"

After taking a few moments to calm and compose himself, Link soldiered on. "So after doing some other random gamey stuff and going through some funky, twisty funhouse hallways, I came across these rooms where eerie shadows appeared underneath me accompanied by a creepy sound effect. So I thought I would just camp out in that spot for a few moments to see what would happen at the termination of this super-ominous sign."

"I don't think that was such a great idea..." Zelda commented.

"However, I happened to notice a pot in the corner of the room that I had not yet liberated of its contents, so I headed on over to it, but before I got there, a menacing hand plopped down behind me from the ceiling and started trying to cop a feel! I told the thingy that I wasn't the touchy-feely type, but the fact that it kept coming toward me seemed to indicate that it didn't care one iota about respecting my personal space, so I took that as invitation to open a fresh can of whoop-ass on him. But the damn thing kept pulling a Matryoshka doll and splitting into smaller and smaller hand-ettes, if you will."

"Disembodied hands...eww."

"Eww, indeed. After venturing away from that hellish area, I eventually found myself in a mini-art gallery with a bunch of lame paintings that all looked the same. I thought to myself, _Man, I can't believe I came this far just to see a crappy art gallery when I could be browsing Deviantart instead from the comfort of my own treehouse._ But as soon as I started to leave in a huff, I was met with a sinister-looking guy on a dark horse who the game referred to as 'Phantom Ganon' during the boss intro sequence. Thanks for the info, text overlay! I surmised that this guy must be a real art connoisseur since he was so into art that he literally went _into_ the art. After I gave him a few warning shots with my trusty revolver, he started wanting to play tennis with me. But darn, I had forgotten to bring my tennis racket...so I just shot him dead instead."

Zelda chuckled. "Whatever gets the job done. Not every boss fight has to be epic, I guess."

"After that, I reached into the chest cavity of his carcass to retrieve a piece of heart which I...'used,' shall we say...to increase my health."

"Eww...uhm...do I even want to ask what you actually did with it?"

"No...you don't. Just...no."

.

Does Zelda write angsty teenage poetry in her diary? Would you read a Link x Tingle slash? Why does Tingle even exist, anyway?! Find out in the next...uh...kinda interesting episode of 2H2W...


	4. Time to rock and roll

Chapter 4 – Time to rock and roll

"Hey, Zelda! Have you heard the news?!" Link shouted excitedly, holding a rolled-up scroll in his hand.

"What news?" she asked, perplexed.

"The reviews are in! Can you believe this? People are wasting their precious free time reading and, yes, even _reviewing_ this story we're in!"

"Wow, really? I thought everyone had already been driven off by those stupid Japanese jokes that made everyone realize what a huge nerd the author is."

"Yeah, but this is Fanfiction dot net. Everyone on it's a geek/otaku/horndog/whatever. If not, they would (conceivably) be doing constructive things IRL instead of reading about what their fave fictional characters are up to in their downtime. And thanks to the libido level of the average fanfic writer, that happens to include a whole lot of boning."

"I never would've guessed," Zelda commented sarcastically. Giving a wink at the fourth wall, she remarked, "Wow...fanfiction sure sounds like a huge waste of time."

"I'm sure comments like that will net you _tons_ of friends around these parts, Zelda. So here's what people are saying about How Hyrule Was Won: 'Quite possibly the worst drivel I've ever read...utter garbage written by a talentless author...not good enough to even wipe my ass with...oh, wait, sorry, I was reading the reviews for Fifty Shades of Gray by mistake...BTW, thanks, E.L. James, for giving fanfic writers-turned-legit-authors a bad reputation. Really appreciate that."

"You mean those actually _weren't_ the reviews for this fic? You could've fooled me."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Opening the scroll vertically, Link pointed at it and said, "Yoru95 wrote that this fanfic is 'really neat' and one anonymous guy/gal (let's be honest, probably gal) named RandomReader called it 'intelligent' and 'so clever.'" [A/N: That's right, even your reviews aren't safe from my fourth wall breaking power! Cringe in fear, mortals! Mwahahahaha!]

"They _did_ realize they had reviewed _this_ fanfic, right? Is it possible they got this one confused with a story that's actually...y'know... _good_?"

"Who knows?" Link pondered. "I'm just as surprised as you, Zelda. I thought we were just talking to ourselves here. I didn't know someone was transcribing what we're saying and doing just to later post it to the Internet for everyone's amusement. I feel kinda... _violated_. Is there _no where_ I can go where people can't see or hear me?!"

"Link, if it weren't for people's voyeuristic tendencies, we wouldn't even _exist_! They would stop making games about us and eventually we'd be nothing more than answers to obscure video game trivia questions. We'd be the new 'Who was Sega's mascot before Sonic?'" Except in our case, it would be "Who was that green-dress-wearing elf who used to make boat-loads of money for Nintendo?"

"For the last time, _it's. a. tunic_!"

"Whatever."

Sighing, Link said, "Anyway, let's _finally_ get back to the story, shall we? The next item on the agenda was this so-called 'Death Mountain.' Somehow I doubt it's a big tourist destination with a name like that. I had to travel to Kakariko Village first, so I mounted Navi and away we went! Just in case you forgot, dear readers, Navi is the name of my _horse_ in this fanfic, so don't try to imagine me 'mounting' a fairy, you sick pervs. Anyway, when I got there, I thought I'd do that sidequest to get an extra bottle by helping that incapable red-headed lady who asked me to go look for her missing cuccos. I couldn't help but think of how typical this was of an NPC—person X loses possession/person Y and asks unbelievably good-looking, debonair hero Z to find it because said NPC is completely incapable of moving more than two steps from her predetermined position/walking route."

Zelda looked around nervously, hoping he wouldn't remember the earrings she asked him to find for her last week because she was too comfy in her chair to do it herself.

"Hey, wasn't Kakariko the place I saw you—I mean _Sheik_ , the guy who totally _isn't_ you?" Link asked.

"Yeah, I think so. I had...I mean _Sheik_ , the guy who totally _isn't_ me, had a long scarf which covered most of his face and blew around in the wind, making him look all badass. He taught you a few songs if I recall."

"But how could you know that if you weren't _there_ , Zelda?" He looked at her accusingly in the most detective-like way he could manage, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Zelda scratched the back of her neck anxiously and sweatdropped. "Oh, uh...yeah, I guess you, um, must have...told me...at some point?"

"Ah, let's quit playin', Zelda. Everyone and their dog must know you're Sheik by now...it's not exactly a spoiler anymore. The game's already like two decades old for the love of the goddesses. By the way, that name—seriously? You're a Sheikah and the name you settled on was...Sheik. If that's any indication of your creativity level, I don't even wanna know what uninspired name you gave your childhood pets. Kitty McCat, perhaps? Squeak Squeakerson?"

"Ah, quiet, you! The name was good enough! At least it was easy to remember!"

"You liked to say really poetic and vague things when you were disguised as Sheik, didn't you?"

Zelda crossed her arms and raised her chin arrogantly. "It took me a long time to think of all the cool stuff I said."

"What was it you said to me in Kakariko again?" Link asked pensively.

"'Roses are red, violets are blue, Death Mountain is hot and might kill you.'"

Link sweatdropped. "That...that was really disappointing."

"Deal with it," Zelda muttered. "I wasn't in the poetic mood that day. Anyway, after that I decided to teach you some songs that would let you teleport around and make you wonder why you even had a horse in the first place other than for that kickass feeling you get when you ride one...but that's when I remembered that I had left my harp at home. So I had to improvise."

Link started laughing his ass off, even having to grab his side because of the pain to his ribs. "Oh yeah, I remember now! You tried to whistle but you were so terrible at it that a carpenter came over to see if you were OK!"

Zelda puffed her cheeks in anger. "I most certainly wasn't that bad! I did at least manage to teach you the songs."

"Yeah, but only after you gave up trying to whistle and hummed them instead."

"...It worked," she mumbled.

"I don't see why you find it so hard to do anyway. All ya gotta do is put your lips together and blow. Which is also exactly what I'd like you to do when we're in the be—"

" _Ooooookay_! Enough of that!" Zelda shouted, swiftly covering Link's dirty mouth with her hand while turning a lovely shade of pink in the process.

When Link finally managed to contain his laughter, he asked, "So, uh...why did you suddenly decide to start cosplaying, anyway? Was there an anime/gaming convention happening in Hyrule that weekend?"

"No, you doofus! Ganondorf and his minions took over The Castle by force soon after you left and I had to make myself scarce ASAP."

"Oh yeah, bummer. Meanwhile, I was busy ransacking houses for pots to break, valuables to steal, NPCs to demand conversation with, and just the overall opportunity to be a total creep."

"You _do_ realize that invading people's privacy and destroying their property is quite _illegal_ here in Hyrule as I'm sure it is in _most_ nations, yes?"

"But...but I thought this was a Western parody! There shouldn't be any laws here because this is the frontier which exists at the very fringe of civilized society and of law and order!"

"Ugh, I hate that show. Apparently you're ignorant of the fact that laws exist even in territories but the problem is that they're poorly enforced because of the lack of police...like _you're_ supposed to be, O upholder of justice," she mocked.

"Well, _excuuuuuse_ me, Princess."

"Don't even start with that, Link. You know that show was terrible."

"It wasn't all _that_ bad. The animation was pretty good for it's day, I got to let loose some clever quips and you actually got to wear pants! That's important for you girls, right? Doesn't it represent women's lib or something?"

"It wasn't even _our_ show. We had to piggy-back onto Mario's show, remember?"

"And wasn't that nice of him?" Link remarked. Zelda simply sighed and eye-rolled in response.

[INSERT COOL TRANSITION HERE] "So I made my way to the first base camp of Death Mountain," recounted Link, "to find a village of some kind of horribly mutated lepers who called themselves the 'Gore-on,' I believe. Personally, I turn gore _off_ in my games since I think exposure to too much gore tends to desensitize people to violence, but to each his own. It weirds me out just a tad bit that their food source is rocks. Isn't that, like, cannibalism or something? And why are some rocks sentient and others aren't?"

"You're thinking about it too much," answered Zelda.

"Oh, yeah. I guess I am. Well, one of the Goron seemed to be having an identity crisis because he claimed to have the same name as me _before_ I even told him my name. So, just for the fun of it, I told him my name was 'Harry Balsac' and he _totally_ ran with it!"

"How mature."

"C'mon, you _know_ you would've done it too! Anyway, I went to see the village elder and apparent leader of them all, Darunia, but just like an angsty teenager, he slammed the door to his room in my face and said he wasn't in the mood to talk with me. However, I warmed up to him by playing a groovy lick on the harmonica. To my amusement, he started dancing...terribly. It was quite a pathetic sight, to be honest. However, I politely waited until the guy had finished embarrassing himself before I decided it was time to... _wait for it_...rock and roll! Get it? Because the Goron are anthropomorphic rocks and they roll around...and...and...um..."

Link laughed weakly while Zelda gave him a blank stare, arms folded. "Ahem...anyway, I left the city and continued climbing the mountain only to be hailed on by rocks and molten lava. Geez, Zelda, you think you could've _warned_ me to bring a helmet or something?!"

"You're right...I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "I wouldn't have wanted you to be...hot-headed with me!" she said, chuckling.

"Now it's my turn to be apathetic to your lame joke." He matched Zelda's earlier blank stare/folded arms combo for an inordinate amount of time.

"Um..." Zelda started.

Link immediately shushed her and yelled, "Not yet! I'm not done being apathetic yet." He continued to blaze a hole through her with his stare for far too long.

Just when the awkwardness between them was reaching critical levels, Link finally broke the silence. "So...the first thing I noticed when I reached the summit was that somebody seriously needed to adjust the thermostat and close the oven door. It was hotter there than the way my dear Zelda's face gets when I talk about her gorgeous figure."

"Link! C'mon, enough already! Are you gonna make a joke like that in _every_ damn chapter?!"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss a single opportunity!"

"Ugh...I was afraid of that."

"Great, glad we're squared away on that now. Really, Zelda, the fire temple is one of those fairly forgettable dungeons so I don't remember much about it other than _holy hell_ do I hate fire keese. Those a-holes are _so_ hard to hit and they can just fly away to escape all my short-range weapons. And whenever I wait for them to come close enough to stab them with my Master-brand switchblade, they somehow manage to light me on fire first and then escape while I'm doing the whole 'stop, drop and roll' thing. Has anyone in the history of Hyrule ever liked bats showing up in their video games? Other than Batman, I mean, 'cuz he's pretty cool."

"Yeah, but I think he's a bit too busy being broody and sending the Joker to Arkham for the thousandth time to help you out in your games."

"Unfortunately, yes. Which is a shame, 'cuz I really could've used his help when facing off against a little fire-breathing dragon named Volvagia. It was pretty hard figuring out how to avoid having my chestnuts roasted on an open fire, so to speak. Not at all coincidentally, this is when I found out that if I'm doing really bad in my game and I'm really close to death, there's an annoying beeping noise. It almost made me say 'eff it' and just let Volvagia do me in so I wouldn't have to hear it anymore! Can you believe he kept popping out of holes in the ground, apparently wanting to play a game of whack-a-dragon with me? Luckily, I remembered just in the nick of time that I had brought my portable fire extinguisher and so I was able to make quick work of the guy. Afterward, I made some s'mores over his smoldering carcass."

"Hmph...another one bites the dust...rather lamely," Zelda muttered.

.

Is beeping the last sound a person really hears before death? Will anyone venture to leave me a review after seeing what I did with them in this chapter? [A/N: Any more reviews you guys leave might—just _might—_ be used in a future chapter in some _mysterious_ way...consider this a forewarning, y'all...or foreshadowing if you're reading this after the story's finished, whatever]. Is Sheik the most uncreative name ever for a Sheikah? Will Link and Zelda just make out already?! Find out in the next...uh...ah, hell with it, you know the drill.


	5. Who lives in a temple under the lake?

Chapter 5 – Who lives in a temple under the lake?

"After a month-long hiatus in updates for this story which I seriously doubt anyone noticed...seriously, did anyone miss this story during the hiatus?" Link asked. Crickets start chirping. "Question answered. You know, we really should do something about those crickets in here. We only hear them after telling an especially lame joke...which means we hear them a lot. Anyway, after the hiatus I headed over to Zora's Domain where I couldn't help but gawk at all the fishy nudity I witnessed around me which is for some reason completely OK for _them_ but would have _me_ hauled off to a deep dungeon with the key thrown away if _I_ did the same...Not like I've ever _wanted_ to do that or anything, but still..."

"That's probably due to the fact that us Hylians actually have...y'know... _genitals_ and whatnot," Zelda chimed in.

"Oh yeah, _those_ things...they're fun to play with, aren't they?" Link asked earnestly. Zelda just directed an odd stare at him in response. "Oh, don't give me that look! Even high class gals like you must have spent at least some time figuring out how everything works down there. It's only natural to be curious. Still, I hate double standards in censorship," Link spat. "If I wanna go freeballin' in my game, I should damn well be able to without someone having to pixelate my junk first."

Zelda couldn't help but laugh at the thought of this. "Just get to the plot exposition already, Link."

"All right, all right. So I went to see the the head honcho of the Domain who I noticed was seriously overweight. The dude clearly needs to get off his fat ass every once in a while and lay off the honey buns. I was really ticked off that I had to waste about half my day waiting for him to scoot his lard ass to the side so I could go looking for this Ruto chick that everyone said was missing."

"Chick? I thought she was a fish?"

"You know what I mean!" Link replied, irritated. "To my surprise, there was a huge fish in a large pond behind the fatty's room. I heard girly cries for help coming from within his giant maw. If I recall correctly, this is what she yelled: 'Someone please help me, the Ruto chick, who is waiting patiently in here for a virile, studly, heroic young man (no older than 22) to come save me and then inadvertently get engaged to me after asking for an essential item he is required to collect before being able to proceed with the game!'"

"That...is a very oddly specific and quite wordy thing to be crying when in danger." Zelda pondered aloud.

"Yeah, but c'mon, I knew there was no way I was gonna be able to get her out of there unless I could find some of that stuff that forces people to vomit so I could make the fish expel Ruto in a putrid puddle of steaming stomach contents."

"You couldn't just show it the cutscenes from those _Zelda_ CD-i games to get the same result?"

"Nope, unfortunately that wasn't an option to me at the time. But there _was_ a certain person that totally _did_ help me out by using her magical ability of screwing with the story to allow the plot to continue advancing even if it creates plot holes the size of Nintendo's bank account after releasing a new _Mario_ game...Come on, author lady, I know you're there! Do something cool right now to show everyone the awesome power you have!" Link pleaded.

"No, I'm not gonna be a character in this story. Nobody likes a self-insert fanfic," said the unbelievably beautiful and intelligent author who was perfect in every conceivable way. Just call her Sue...Mary Sue.

"May I point out that you just inserted yourself in the story when you answered him?" Zelda asked.

"Yeah, but just to tell you that I'm _not_ gonna reply to you guys," Mary Sue said.

"You just did it again."

"Trust me, Zelda, you don't want me inserting myself in this fic. You might suddenly find yourself on the losing side of a love 'triforce-angle', so to speak," said Mary Sue smugly. "However, I'll humor you for a while for the sake of some comedic hijinks."

Suddenly, red rupees began raining from the sky. Link ran around like an idiot trying to catch 'em all...even though his wallet was already completely full.

"Do another! Another trick!" Link shouted excitedly. So the author made a pair of rainbows appear. "Woah, a double rainbow! It's so bright and vivid! What does this _mean_?!" yelled Link emphatically with a derp face. He was so overwhelmed with emotion that he fell to his knees as he wept manly tears. "More, more!" he implored giddily while wiping his eyes.

"You're really wearing on my patience for this, you know," said Mary Sue.

"But it's so much _fuuuuun_!" Link protested.

"You asked for it!" the author begrudged. All of a sudden, Link felt a lot chillier than he had the moment before. He looked down and saw that he was wearing a _very_ skimpy swimsuit...and nothing else.

"Holy mother of fanservice, Batman! Abort, abort! Change me back!" Link demanded, crossing his arms over his chest protectively as he shrank in on himself like an abused shelter dog about to be backhanded again.

"Any more requests?" Mary Sue asked smugly.

"Um, no, that'll do, Sue. That'll do."

"I think I kinda _like_ this author," Zelda giggled, smirking.

"I bet you do..." Link muttered. "Anyway, time to get back on topic. The fish eventually just coughed Ruto out like a cat does to a hairball. Although I'm sure that would put anyone in an instant bad mood, she was unbelievably peckish and angry right from the moment we met. She nagged me until my pointy ears were about to fall off, telling me that I needed to 'man up', 'fess up', and 'clean up', because she couldn't bear to even get within earshot of me without gagging from my horrible B.O. C'mon, what did she expect? Us heroes don't have time to worry about personal hygiene when the fate of an entire territory is at stake! You know, I have the strong suspicion that Ruto's one of those tsundere-types who picks on me publicly to save face but who actually worships me in private. Kinda like someone else I know..." He peeked from the corner of his eye in Zelda's direction. "She even thinks I'm engaged to her because I asked her for a piece of her jewelry."

"Oh no! She gave you the Zora's Sapphire?!" Zelda asked in horror.

"Yeah. It was pretty and I wanted it. So what?"

"You didn't make it... _official_...did you?"

"What do you mean by that? We never did..." But then the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. "Oh crap! It's just like Katy Perry warned us! I remember waking up in Vegas with one hell of a hangover and the Zora's Sapphire in a ring on my hand...but no...it couldn't be..." Link's face curdled with the sudden knowledge that, oh goddesses, he was probably married to a fish-girl right now.

Zelda couldn't avoid letting loose a few giggles upon seeing his look of shock and horror. "Now, now, it's not so bad," she said soothingly.

"'Not so bad'! Easy for you to say! _I'm_ the one who's married to the same thing I normally eat for lunch with a side of chips!"

"Relax, Link! You'll be happy to know that an interspecies marriage with a Zora, especially one that was only consented to during a period of inebriation, is only valid in Zora's Domain. Therefore, you're only technically married to her when you're physically in Zora's Domain."

"Oh, thank the goddesses. I'll just make sure to never step foot around there again and I'll be fine...right?"

"Yes... _exceeeept_...Ruto will likely do everything she can to... _coerce_ you into returning there."

"What...what do you mean by that?" he asked tentatively.

"By that I mean you better keep one eye constantly looking over your shoulder...someone like Ruto may very well be willing to go as far as to kidnap a man in order to get him to fulfill his husbandly duties," she answered with no shortage of glee in her tone.

"Great. Is there anyone out there who _doesn't_ want a piece of me?" Looking to the sky while shaking a fist angrily, he yelled, "Damn you, goddesses! Why did you have to make me so freakin' attractive and irresistible to women?!" Zelda simply rolled her eyes.

.

"The Water Temple is so wrong on so many levels," Link deadpanned. "First off, moving underwater with iron boots equals super boring, like being caught in some tedious slow-mo instant replay. I guess I should thank the game for allowing me to grow gills and breathe underwater simply by wearing blue fabric? ...Even though it makes _no. damn. sense_. Oh, and the miniboss of this dungeon, really? Why is a dark doppelganger of myself _here_ of all places with no explanation of why I even _have_ a dark clone?! C'mon game, throw me a bone here! Is there a hidden lair full of dark Links somewhere waiting to have an orgy with me or what?"

"I'm sure a lot of fangirls out there wouldn't mind that at all," Zelda giggled.

"Hmph. People are weird," he remarked sardonically.

"I got a question for you," she said. "You have to wear iron boots in order to walk in the water, correct?"

"Yeppers."

"And I assume you have them somewhere on your person when you're _not_ wearing them, correct?"

"Right-a-rooni."

"Then why the hell don't they weigh you down _all_ the time?!" she yelled in confusion.

"Because _game logic_ , that's why. Don't bother asking questions, Zelda, it'll just hurt your head. It's the same reason why Cloud and the gang couldn't just bring back Aerith with a freakin' Phoenix Down. Impaled in a battle? A-OK after imbibing a potion. Impaled _outside_ of battle? Shit just got _real_ , son! And don't bother resetting your Playstation and reloading your save file to prevent her death with your new knowledge because there's _no_ possible way to save her outside of a cheating device! I hadn't even given Aerith her final limit break before she died, dammit! That stupid Great Gospel item just sat in my inventory for the rest of the game as a constant reminder of my fallen comrade-in-arms. Why did you have to toy with our emotions so, Square?! Why?! _Whyyyyyyy_?!"

Link wept manly tears on Zelda's shoulder for a few solid minutes before it sounded like he was just faking it. "I'm only still crying because I really can't think of a good transition from this point," he explained. Zelda rolled her eyes once again. "We really need to talk about this Morpha thing, by the way," he continued. "Were they just _trying_ to make the most hentai-like tentacle monster thing they could? Because I did not consent to having my bodily orifices filled with watery tendrils and I _will_ press charges if I'm ever violated like that again."

Zelda worked hard to hold back a look of total revulsion as the image of that niggled it's way into her subconscious. "So, um...how'd you beat this one?"

"I left my freezer door open for a while, came back, and then shattered Morpha's icy, frozen carcass and had me some morph-sicles!"

"I expected nothing less."

.

"After finishing up at the water temple, I went to the fishing mini-game place at Lake Hylia to try my luck at catching the famed Hylian loach. The counter guy was...interesting, to say the least. As he explained the fishing rules to me, he was scratching his head from which a literal blizzard's worth of dandruff fell, much to my disgust. Then as he was getting me a fishing hook from underneath the counter, he mooned me with a plumber's crack that would put Mario to shame. When he leaned over to get me to sign a release of liability form in case I hooked my eye or drowned or something, I couldn't avoid getting a whiff of his intense B.O. which overpowered even that of my own. I remember thinking, _damn dude, you have some major hygeine issues_! Oh, did I say 'think?' Because I actually meant that I said it out loud by accident, which caused the prices to suddenly triple because of 'supply and demand' or some such, as he explained."

"Wow. That's rough," Zelda commented.

"You're telling me. On the bright side though, at least spending all that money lightened my load significantly. Rupees are frickin' heavy. You'd think Hyrule would hurry up and adopt paper currency by now."

"How many fish did you catch?" she asked. Link suddenly tensed, remaining quiet. "C'mon now...I'm sure you managed to at least rustle up a turtle or an old shoe or something...right?"

After a long moment of silence, Link muttered, "Oh, who even likes the stupid fishing mini-games anyway?! What a stupid way to end this chapter too," he pouted, crossing his arms in anger.

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Will we ever see the amazing, incomparable Mary Sue again? [Totally blunt answer—yes, obviously, although maybe not in _this_ fic]. Did you really care about Aerith's death or was it just 'meh' to you? Be honest—you're not reading this anymore, are you? Find out in the next...oh, you already know these are all rhetorical questions anyway.


	6. Shadows and Spirits and Sheikah, oh my!

Chapter 6 – Shadows and Spirits and Sheikah, oh my!

A/N: There wasn't hardly anything funny I could think of about the Shadow or Spirit Temples, so this chapter covers both of them (and rapidly at that). I mean, seriously—can _you_ think of a single thing funny about them? Yeah, that's what I thought.

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"Guess what, Zelda?" inquired Link. "Those Goron were really on to something—it's faster to get around by rolling!"

"But you have a horse...so _why_ exactly would you need to do that?" Zelda asked, puzzled.

"Because it's so much more _fuuuuun_!"

"Well, that explains why you always smell like dirt and have grass in your hair."

"That's a small price to pay for all the time I save by rolling!"

"So you'd rather stink to high heaven and look absolutely ridiculous than just, I dunno, _walk_ on your two feet like the goddesses intended?!"

"If the goddesses really intended for us to _walk_ everywhere, they wouldn't have given us the far superior ability to roll! It's so fun, Zelda. Look at me—whee!"

"Please don't tell me you're..." She trailed off, having placed a hand over her eyes out of fear of the stupidity she would see if she dared to look in his direction. After uncovering her eyes, she groaned. "Oh goddesses, you _are_..."

"That's just how I roll!" he bragged, stopping his antics long enough to push some heavily tinted sunglasses against his eyes and make a seductive cat noise at Zelda in a feeble attempt to be smooth.

"Where the heck did you get those thi—...oh, why do I even bother asking?"

.

"The Shadow Temple is where I found out that it is _literally_ impossible for me to lose this game," mentioned Link. "You know what happened to me after I accidentally auto-jumped into a bottomless pit? I just respawned at the beginning of the temple! Seriously, I am literally as immortal as a god in my games."

"Knowing that kinda takes away some of the tension of playing these games, doesn't it?" Zelda bantered.

"No kidding! Not to mention I never show any physical signs of injury such as bruises, cuts and the like which would _totally_ be expected on even the best of fighters, especially considering how ridiculously little armor I wear. I'm a true-to-life Adonis!" With one hand next to his mouth in order to channel his voice, he whispered to the fourth wall, "That's a really hot Greek god, in case you didn't know."

"If you're a god than _I_ must be the goddess Hylia," Zelda quipped sarcastically.

"Haha, don't be silly, Zelda! You, a goddess? It's already hard enough to picture a butch gal like you as a _princess_ in past lives!" He got a hearty laugh out of that seemingly hilarious thought.

As usual, Zelda shrugged off his inane comment. "What did you think of Bongo-bongo?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, you mean that giant eye-monkey creature who plays, of all things, a bongo? Heck, with a name _that_ original, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me _you_ had named him."

"At least the boss' design was unique!" Zelda defended. "Did you want every enemy in this game to be a dragon or goblin or another generic fantasy creature?"

"No, but I did at least expect something less...ridiculous. Was I really _supposed_ to be scared of it or something?"

"Dare I ask how you defeated it?" Zelda ventured.

"Oh, this one was _real_ easy. I brought in the Indigo-gos, hooked their instruments up to some huge amps and had them jam some death metal until he died due to intolerable amounts of sound vibrations in his body," Link explained proudly.

"That...actually seems quite logical," she marveled incredulously. "Wow...kudos to you for thinking of that one."

"Thanks! Oh, and I also met your _babysitter_ ," he said mockingly, starting to cackle like an idiot. "She told me to make sure you were eating your fruits and vegetables and changing your underwear every day! Hey, it's good to know you've been potty trained, Zelda, but do you still need her to cut your meat and wipe your runny noses?"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," she muttered.

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"After that, I went to Lon-Lon Ranch for the annual Hyrule Derby!" Link proclaimed. "I don't know if you're aware of this, Zelda, but I'm a very accomplished jockey and I always participate in the local derby every year. I met a girl named Saria who said she was from Kokiri Forest." He scratched his head pensively. "Huh...I guess I must've missed seeing her my first time through there. She informed me that she was a 'sprightly' 179 years young. I remember saying to her, 'Wow...you really don't look a day over...160...' as I sweatdropped nervously and slowly side-stepped out of frame.'"

"So how did the race go? You won, right?" Zelda asked.

"Heck no. Being a Kokiri, she made an excellent jockey since she's smaller than my ego is after I get swallowed by a like-like. I hardly even had a chance. Although I had no problem securing second place after using all the skills I learned playing hundreds of hours of Mario Kart, no amount of banana peels or red shells could get me near Saria, that little bolt of greased lightning!" There was more than just a tinge of jealousy apparent in his voice.

"What a shame."

"Ah, it wasn't so bad. My consolation prize was a year's supply of Kakariko Fried Cucco! And I made sure to play your lullaby to the cows on the ranch on my way out so they would fill my bottle with some of their sweet, sweet nectar at the awesome cost of nothing."

"Oh, you put some Lon-Lon milk in a spare bottle?"

"No, I still only had that one bottle I got from the red-headed cucco lady so I had to constantly reuse it. I had to empty out the dead bugs and decaying fish first. At least, I _think_ I got most of the guts out..."

Zelda struggled quite hard not to throw up.

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"I wanted to buy a better shield before going to the next dungeon, but wouldn't you know it, almost every _useful_ thing in this game costs at least one rupee above what my current wallet will hold," recalled Link. "No one would budge an inch on their price even though I'm _sure_ they mark up the prices at least 20% on all their merchandise! Tightwads..."

"What was the next dungeon again?" Zelda pondered.

"The Spirit Temple, which was my favorite by far."

"Why's that?"

"Isn't it obvious, Zel?"

"Don't call me that," she muttered, ticked off at being called a silly nickname.

"Why not, Zelly?"

"Don't call me that either."

"OK, Zelda-hime!" said the genki bishounen while patting her on the back, receiving annoyed glances from her all the while [A/N: You got your geek cred for the day if you understood all the words in that sentence]. "I'll tell ya why! It's because it's _chock. fulla. lay-days_! Ladies, ladies, _everywhere_! Sure, none of them are particularly attractive and they look a lot like palette-swapped Jasmine-from-Aladdin wannabes, but you gotta admit, a whole area of Hyrule inhabited solely by the fairer sex is a bachelor's dream come true! I am _so_ jealous of Ganondorf for getting to be the leader of such a place. I bet he gets so much—"

"Pussy! Oh, what's this pussycat doing here?" Zelda asked, leaning over to pet the new arrival to the room.

" _Impeccable_ timing there, kitty," Link chuckled. "So I met a vixen named Nabooru in the Spirit Temple. I noticed she had the most beautiful boo...I mean, eyes," he corrected quickly. To his relief, Zelda didn't notice his snafu, being too preoccupied petting her pussy (not _that_ pussy, you pervs!).

Link continued. "I used the silver gauntlets I got in the temple to lift a huge boulder blocking my path...unfortunately, the game neglected to tell me that I still need back support before lifting objects one thousand times my own weight, leading me to have to warp to a chiropractor, stat. Also, block-moving puzzles—Nintendo, haven't you put those in _enough_ of my games by this point? Why can't you add more puzzles that _don't_ require so much physical labor from now on? Maybe a pleasant game of solitaire? And how about a pillow fight against the mini-boss of the dungeon for once? Give my poor body a rest, _please!_ Even at my physical peak and forgetting the recently established fact that I'm immortal and impervious to injury, there's only so much punishment one guy can take."

"A pillow fight?!" Zelda scoffed. "Oh, please! The history books would never have bothered to record the adventures of past heroes if they had only won Hyrule by engaging in _pillow fights_! And one thing I've always wondered—why is it that whenever you open a door with a key, you _lose_ the key? Any key works on any lock, so if you'd just _keep_ that first key, you'd save yourself a lot of trouble, you know?!"

"What can I say? I'd lose my own head if it weren't attached to my body," Link said sheepishly.

Zelda sighed and shook her head. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but...how'd you beat the boss of the Spirit Temple?"

"Oh, you mean Twinrova, those two old hags combined? How strange is it that they turn into a hot lady when they combine themselves, anyway? Shouldn't it be the _opposite_ and they become two times as ugly and old?"

"Game logic, Link...game logic."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Another thing I can't believe is that they were Ganondorf's surrogate mothers. Awww, makes me wonder what it was like changing little Ganny's diapers. I bet he was a cute little future usurper, yes he was!" he said in a babyish voice. "It was super-easy defeating them/it, as usual. I just distracted them with some Bingo cards and started calling out numbers and letters randomly. While they were frantically looking for a bingo, I stabbed them with my trusty switchblade." He twirled the aforementioned blade in one hand with a cocky grin.

"Where does he think up these lame strategies?" Zelda wondered.

.

"At the exit of the temple, I was surprised to see _you_ there in your Sheik getup, so I called out to you, 'Hey, Zelda! Yoo-hoo, Zelda! The one in the Sheik costume!'"

"And I promptly told you to STFU since you were totally compromising my cover," Zelda said with clenched teeth. "Remember, Link—I wore the disguise since, if Ganondorf found me, he would've kidnapped me like he does in practically _every freakin' game_ I'm in! Did you really want to have to rescue me _again_? What, are you going for the 'Most Damsel in Distress Rescues Over Multiple Lifetimes' world record or something?"

"My bad!" he responded succinctly. "So tell me, what was the reason behind vanquishing all the trials and tribulations of those temples? What was my way fantastic and totally worth it prize?!" he asked eagerly, wagging his tail like an excited puppy.

"You know this already. The reward was the satisfaction of a job well done and the opportunity to get in my pants at the end of this story."

Link stood there, mouth agape. "Woah! Really?! That sounds awesome! But...wait a minute...How could I get in your pants? We're not even the same size!" Zelda rolled her eyes, but despite her best efforts to hide it, a smirk crept onto her face.

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Would you still play the LoZ games if Link new main weapon was a _pillow_? Do you have any idea just how incredibly crappy my first draft of this chapter was (more than usual, I mean)? Can you hold on for just _two_ more chapters which is when this torture will finally come to an end?! Find out next time...same fanfic place, same fanfic channel.

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A/N: I will probably respond to you if you ask me a question in a review, but if you are reviewing anonymously, you're gonna have to leave your email in the message. I can't respond to you telepathically, capiche?


	7. Showcase Showdown

Chapter 7 - Showcase Showdown

A/N: Now it's time to finally get back to those Western themes that this story's barely touched on since the first couple of chapters, lol

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"There's something I want to point out before progressing any further with this excessively inane plot," Link interjected. "Why the hell does Ganondorf think he can assume control of Hyrule by overthrowing the governor, your dad? Hyrule has a democracy now, right? That's...not how democracies work. Like, at all. At least, if what I remember from my high school social studies class is correct..."

"Just suspend your disbelief anyway!" Zelda implored.

Link shrugged his shoulders and continued on. "So at this point, it was time to load up the ole save file and finally get to saving this land I had grown quite fond of. So I turned on my N64 with the gold OoT cartridge inserted, pressed Start at the title screen and loaded my save file...only to find that it wasn't there! 'Oh, for the love of Nayru! Houston, we have a problem!' I remember shouting. Well...OK—what I said actually had a lot more expletives in it, but this is the PG-13 version."

"What did you do next?" Zelda asked.

"What do you think I had to do?!" was Link's annoyed response. "I had to play the whole game all _over_ again to get back to where I was! I had to pretend I was meeting you for the first time again and solve all those puzzles again and make all those clever sexual innuendos again."

"Technically, you didn't have to do that last thing."

"Yeah, I did," Link retorted without missing a beat. "Anyway, after I finally got back to where I left off, it was time for the ultimate confrontation. I found Gan-Gan in the immense throne room of The Castle, the same one he usurped from your dad, and I prepared myself to..."

"Wait just a minute," Zelda interrupted, looking puzzled. "There's no throne room in the governor's mansion."

"Well...whatever the governor's mansion equivalent of that is. I found him In the oval office, on the porcelain pedestal, making a sacrificial offering in the temple of water."

"Meaning...?" Zelda asked, still completely clueless.

"In the bathroom, of course!" he cried, sighing heavily.

"Oh boy," she chuckled. A hand was held to her face out of mild embarrassment. "So let me get this straight...you ambushed Ganondorf while he was on the _potty_?"

"It sounds so much more ridiculous when you say it like that. But he certainly doesn't fight fair so why should I? After I confronted him there, he flew the coop through a nearby window and I gave chase. He crossed paths with a horse and acquired it using the five-finger discount. Luckily, there was another horse nearby for me to 'borrow,' which is _totally_ different from stealing because...um...I needed it and stuff. He pushed that horse to the limit, galloping swiftly along until he spotted a train headed due north, which he boarded from his horse in what was quite honestly a very daring maneuver. Of course, Nintendo insisted that my horse-to-train jump be done by a stuntman because their insurance wouldn't allow me to do it and totally not because I _couldn't_ do it or anything...So I continued chasing the big bad guy to the top of the train cars. The wind was unbelievably strong and—"

"Now wait just a Redead-frozen minute there, Link!" Zelda huffed, putting her hands up in the sign for time out. "Thanks for the Hollywood theatrics and all, but I was with you that day when you fought Ganondorf, remember? You _know_ none of that actually happened!"

"It's called 'taking creative liberties,' Zelda! The real story is usually so boring that no one wants to hear it, so I gotta jazz up some of the more mundane details a bit."

"A bit?!" she scoffed incredulously. "Please just stick to telling what _actually_ happened this time! The real version of events isn't nearly as unexciting as you make it seem."

Link sighed out of resignation. "Fine. I didn't actually find Ganondorf in The Castle—he was on the streets of Cattle Town instead. I knew it was time for a duel 'cuz the settlement was eerily devoid people—the NPCs were all MIAs, if you will. Picture all the Western tropes you can think of because they were all present and accounted for—high noon sun directly overhead, tumbleweed blowing along, twangy BGM which only the player can hear, hands poised over the pistols at our sides, staring each other down in a come hither way..."

"Wait, what was that last part?" Zelda inquired curiously.

"Um...hold on, let me re-read the script." He whipped the 2H2W script out from under his cap (A/N: So that's what he keeps in there...) and rapidly scanned it until he found the line in question. "Oh yeah, here it is. I said, 'Staring each other down in a come hither way, dot dot dot.'"

"You _do_ realize that sounds kinda gay, right?"

"Cut!" cried the director, Miyamoto-san, through a megaphone. Link and Zelda looked toward the off-set spot where the director was sitting.

"No, no, no, the lighting in this scene is all wrong! The setting sun should be over there!" Miyamoto-san yelled, pointing to his left. "Link should be bathed in warm light since he's the hero-guy everyone loves and Ganondorf needs to be cast in shadows since he's more evil than my ex-wife during our divorce proceedings." Muttering to himself, he added, "I thought all film students learned basic good vs. evil lighting techniques in their first year...Meh. What a bunch of noobs."

The crew scurried around the set in order to meet the director's demands before the next take. "Places, everyone! I gotta meet Mario at six for Italian so we gotta wrap this up soon," he said while pointing at his watch impatiently.

The executive producer ran up to Miyamoto with a cell phone pressed to his ear, out of breath and with a concerned look on his face. "Sir, I have a...um...'RandomReader?'...on the phone. You won't believe this, but...she says she doesn't know who Aerith is!"

Miyamoto's jaw dropped to the floor as he slowly shook his head in disbelief. "This...this is simply unprecedented. How...? How can one call himself a gamer yet not know Aerith? Have people already forgotten about the tremendous sacrifice she made to save us all?" He bit his lower lip, looking as if he was holding back tears. Clearly, he was greatly affected by this news. "We'll have to wrap for the day. I'm going to need some time alone in my trailer." He began walking in a daze away from the set. No one saw him again for several days as he painstakingly worked through his complex emotions.

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"I know that you and Ganondorf had a duel at high noon...but what I _don't_ remember is...who shot first?" Zelda asked.

"C'mon, Zelda! Everyone knows it was Han," Link swiftly answered.

"Huh?"

"J/k, j/k! But really, my quick draw skills are simply not up to par, so Big G inevitably shot first. However, you used a lightning-quick ice spell ( _err_...ice-quick?) that froze the bullet in place and made it so heavy that it simply fell down and shattered. That was followed by your rendition of 'Let it Go' which I think any ice spell-using sorceress princess is contractually obligated to belt out at some point. You saved my tail, Zelda! That's when I knew...I just knew _for sure_ that you really, truly cared about me."

"More like I didn't want to have a mess to clean up if your innards were splattered everywhere," she retorted tartly.

"Pfft! You know I could never really die! I make too much money for Nintendo, so the chances of me kicking the bucket are probably the same as Ganondorf taking a break from usurping the throne to actually pursue a hobby or something. I'm sure there's an evil overlord simulator/minion management game somewhere on Steam that could keep him happily occupied with some good, clean fun for once."

"Um... _actually,_ " Zelda explained, "sorry to burst your bubble, but the series _could_ totally go on even if you died since all the LoZ games star different guys who just _happen_ to be named 'Link' or 'Buttface' or whatever the almighty player feels like entering for your name...with the exception of the games that are directly related, of course. And besides...if you died, that would just prove that you weren't really hero material anyway, so maybe the goddesses would do a better job of picking a chosen one next time."

"As if! This is _me_ you're talking about here— _Link_ , the guy everybody and their mailman loves, who's always in the box art of any game I appear in, front and center—or _slightly_ off-center, but still definitely in the front—including even the Smash Bros. games which contain roughly a _bazillion_ characters at this point. Yep, Nintendo's figured out that just by slapping me, Mario, or Pikachu on a box and charging 500 rupees for it, they can sit back and just wait for the dough to come rollin' in! _Ehehehe_! Where are you on the box art, huh, Zelda? Wait, let me get my _magnifying glass_ out so we can play a game of 'Where's Zelda?' to find out, shall we?" He pretended to hold a magnifying glass to his face as if he were examining something. "Hold on a minute...I think I've almost found you on this box...Oops! Uh, sorry, that was just a speck of dust. My bad."

Zelda was so steamed about this that it seemed she was about to boil over. "Oh, who cares about the box art anyway?! My name's right in the _title_! Without me, it wouldn't even be the same game!"

"Um, no. Hyrule Warriors doesn't have your precious name in the title, for one. You don't even show up in some games, and even when you _are_ in them, you usually don't really do anything but boss me around and get kidnapped. _I'm_ the one always risking this pretty-boy face of mine to fulfill your stupid legend! The whole series could _easily_ go on without you, just like it did in Majora's Mask and Link's ( _My_?) Awakening!"

Zelda could only stamp her feet and puff her cheeks adorably in response. "Hmph!"

.

"Now finish him off so I can send him to the Dark Realm," Zelda commanded, referring to the usurper king who she had just successfully incapacitated with light magic.

"Wait, that seems a little harsh. Don't they have due process in Hyrule territory?" Link inquired.

"Dew process? What the heck is that? Is that how they make Mountain Dew?"

"Ugh, no! It's that right people have to go through the snore-inducing judicial process rather than be thrown straight into a dungeon or executed for something that they potentially didn't do."

"Ew, heavens, no," Zelda replied. "We do things here the way we've done them for millenia: we see dark skin and/or strange features on a person and immediately think 'evil!'...Isn't that how they do things everywhere?" she asked curiously.

"Oh, for the love of..." He sweatdropped in exasperation. "You've got to be kidding me! So your 'justice system' is the equivalent of racial profiling?"

"Is there something wrong with that? Some races are just plain evi—"

"OoooooK, this seems like a good enough place to end the chapter while Zelly and I have a chit-chat about a little thing called the Geneva convention."

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How important do _you_ think Zelda is to the LoZ series on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 = essential, 1 = what was her name again?). Do you think if Miyamoto had directed the '90s Mario Bros. movie, it would have actually been good? Is it possible to hear the words 'let it go' and _not_ think of the damn Disney song every time?! All of these questions and more _may_ be answered in the series finale of—dun dun dun!—How Hyrule Was Won...


	8. The End, Finally!

Chapter 8 – The End...Finally!

"And that, kids, is how Hyrule was won," says Link proudly. While looking at the fourth wall, he adds giddily, "Don't you just love it when the title is worked into the plot like that? Tee-hee!"

"Wow, _such_ an original title there," Zelda groans sarcastically. "Is it obligatory that every Western-themed fanfic have a title that parodies a popular Western movie?"

"Hmph! You're one to talk about originality, _Sheik the Sheikah._ "

"You'll never let that go, will you?"

"Just think of it as payback for all those incessant tunic/dress jokes you made."

"... _Touche_ ," she begrudgingly replies.

Link, Zelda, and a group of middle school kids on a field trip are gathered in a room in the governor's mansion of Hyrule territory, located within the large fort that was nostalgically nicknamed The Castle, a throwback to the days when Hyrule was under a monarchy.

Turning to address the group of young students, Zelda says, "So I hope you children have enjoyed the story of how Link and I saved our soon-to-be state of Hyrule from Ganondorf's oppressive regime. You should all take a few moments to appreciate the many things we have to be thankful for as citizens of such a wonderful place, such as the freedom we all enjoy everyday."

One little girl at the front of the crowd wears a blank expression on her face. "You didn't really do a whole lot in that story, lady. You just kinda made your boyfriend do everything," she states bluntly.

Zelda's face turns redder than a pair of Tingle's underwear. "Don't they teach you kids these days to respect your elders?!" she complains in outrage.

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The students' teacher calls for them to gather at the entrance of the mansion before they leave for the day. Link and Zelda are thus left alone, an opportunity they would undoubtedly take advantage of in order to do cute, cuddly, fluffy stuff. After all, what else would these two do when alone?

"Is...someone talking about us?" Zelda asks curiously while looking all around. "I'm starting to feel uncomfortable..."

"Relax, Zelda. The only people here are you and me and any readers who actually made it this far in the story."

"Oh, OK...so in others words, we have complete privacy now, right?"

"Hehe, yep."

Taking advantage of this newfound privacy from the ever-prying eyes of voyeuristic fans, Link inches closer to Zelda on the sofa they're sitting comfortably on. He moves his face incredibly near Zelda's own and leans over to close the last bit of distance when suddenly, Zelda grabs the cap off his head and swiftly places it atop her own. "Yoink! I always wanted to try this on! How do I look?"

"Hey! Give that back! You know I have horrible hat hair!" he cries.

Zelda can't help but get a laugh from Link's messy blonde hair. "I didn't think it was even possible that a single strand of your hair could ever be out of place!" she giggles.

With a raised brow and a suggestive wink, Link asks tentatively, "So, uh...you up for making a little bit of magic of our own tonight? Maybe spark a little Din's Fire and make some Nayru's Love, if you know what I mean? We could ask the author to set the mood for us. You know, like put us in a really romantic place with some nice background music and lighting. Can you hook us up, author-lady?"

Suddenly, Link and Zelda are laying on a cloud at sunset with "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" playing in the background.

"Eww..." Zelda groans. "We already established way back in the first chapter that Simba and Nala were siblings, so the song that played during their implied sex scene is a real turn-off. So for the love of Nayru, change the music!"

"Whoops...my bad. That totally slipped my mind," says the author, Mary Sue, apologetically. "Is this better?" The theme from Titanic starts playing.

Link sighs. "I would _also_ really prefer a song that didn't play right after the tragic death of a beloved hottie who was madly in love, but I guess this is as romantic as it gets in a parody fanfic." Looking toward the fourth wall, he says, "Excuse me, Sue, but could you please leave us alone for a while? We're gonna be doing some stuff that would not be suitable for the current rating of your fanfic. We think we've been nice enough letting you peep in on so much of the stuff we've done up to now but we're drawing the line here."

"But...but I can raise the rating!" Mary Sue protests.

"No!" they exclaim in unison.

"No buts!" Zelda says. "Well...maybe there will be _some_ 'butts', although you won't be here to see them! Now stop being so pervy and go! Shoo! Begone!"

"But why do you guys care about privacy all of a sudden? I've read about you guys doing it with each other...or, in Link's case, with _numerous_ other people many, many times before."

"OK, fine!" Zelda gives in. "If you want to read about us doing it so bad, here goes—chiseled abs yadda yadda deep blue eyes et cetera et cetera soft bosom. There! Happy now?"

"You're just patronizing me," Mary Sue mutters glumly.

Link suddenly notices a certain amphibious girl standing over him who is holding a length of wound-up rope in her hands and smirking evilly.

"Oh, goddesses," he groans. Pulling the bunny hood out from...somewhere...he quickly places it on his head. "I'm gonna need this."

Ruto chases him through the governor's mansion, waving a knotted-off loop of rope in the air above her in a furious effort to lasso him. "You're gonna own up to your marriage vows one of these days, Link!" she shouts after him.

"What did I do to deserve this?!" he cries. "Please, goddesses, just make me as ugly as the average male NPC in the next game, will ya?"

Zelda can't stop giggling at the chaotic yet immensely amusing scene unfolding in front of her. "This'll be one to tell the kids someday," she muses.

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A/N: Wow...did you really read this far? Or are you one of those people that skips to the last chapter 'cuz u don't want to read the whole thing? Well, to anyone who genuinely read the whole story, I bequeath to you one fresh bottle of Lon Lon milk! ...however, it comes in the same bottle Link put all those bugs and rotting fish in. Um...enjoy!...I guess?


End file.
